NO WAY OUT!

Most of you out there are fortunate that you can go to the beach with your family and friends.

I in turn am home watching on MSNBC a documentary on the homeless youth in San Francisco. It is really nervewrecking to watch. Painful to say the least. My heart is open and it feels like someone is just piercing and stirring it with a metal rod.

Why does America not get their people, specially their youth their vets help. My son is homeless in San Francisco and I have not heard from him since June 16. This tears my heart apart to say the least.

It does not matter how many NAMI meetings or therapy sessions I go to, it always hurts. I am always on the brink of tears when I mention his name or his sweet face crosses my mind.

Often visualize him smoking cigarette butts off the street and panhandling and I tear up. How does a mother deal with this? How does one live with this? Does this ever go away? Does it?

On this show these kids’ drug of choice was alcohol and marijuana. They would have the shakes every day from the night before until the shop opened the followinjg morning to buy more alcohol. What a life!

I am in pain always and on the brink as I said. It does not get any better. In fact as the days of non-communication continue the worse I feel inside. Noone really understands. Why not? Because I don’t know anyone not even at NAMI meetings that has a homeless son or daughter.

WHERE HAS THIS AWFUL DISEASE SCHIZOPHRENIA TAKEN MY SON! WHERE DID YOU TAKE HIM? WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HIM? WHY? WHY? WHY? IS HE HEALTHY? IS HE EATING WELL? OH MY THIS IS HARD.

If in any way I have depressed you well, this is what I live and then people wonder why I live with a certain amount of anger within me. Yes. I have anger… a lot of anger… and I have been going through this for 10 years and it has not dissipated. I find it unjust and brutal! Raw life that penetrates my soul. A life of perdition that cripples me to even think it.

NO WAY OUT!
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I wrote this in a blog yesterday and people started to give me all kinds of advice and within them that I should not feel this way. Funny isn't it. Very very very funny. Noone unless they have a homeless child out there can tell me how I should or should not feel! FEELINGS JUST ARE!