Have you ever felt that no matter what you did or expressed that it would be taken or be wrong? Well I have for one week discussed the same subject with someone and now that we are talked out, I feel that everything I have said or done for the last weeks has brought the worse reaction.
I am in a heightened emotional state and very depressed. Need a lot of love and I choose to push my loved ones away. Now that is kind of an oxymoron.
My self value, my self esteem have plumetted to the lowest state since my son took off to go to Seattle, WA about 3 or 4 years ago. He is ill, so it troubled me. Now the circumstances are at their lowest and my life is taking a very big beating. My soul is aching all the time. My body is hurting all the time... cannot stop the stomach from reacting adversely if you know what I mean. There is nothing that I have kept inside it for the last 48 hours.
I have been for over a week hurting someone that I care very much about and today he was the angryest I have ever heard him on the phone. This upsets me tremendously that I can have that effect on someone. And at the same time it hurts me terribly that I am doing this, provoking this in another human being, specially one you love so dearly. You know when they tell you that phrase that we all hate, "I need space!"
Wow, how much I can hurt someone to produce these adverse reactions. God is my witness that my intent was not adverse, but it does not matter. The effect was brutal and I am not functioning well as a beautiful, loving person that I usually, most of the time, am. People do love me you know. Need to remind myself of this, but regardless of this... I need to find myself and the love I have for myself which has totally vanished. You ever feel this way?
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